Going for a walk in the rain.

Yesterday, you asked,
Your big brown eyes barely visible behind your smile,
“Hey, today we should wax our gloves
And go play baseball in the park!
Hey, Katha-butt!
Today, we should have a bonfire!”
I laughed at your reference to our inside joke,
But said no,
I was tired. My neck hurt. My wrist hurt.
I just wanted to relax.
Your face went slack, the light left your eyes.
You trudged away in utter disappointment.

Last night, I had a dream.
A dream that I was late.
I kept looking at the clock and thinking,
“Oh, I have time.”
Until time ran away, never to be heard from again.

This morning, I woke up.
My window was open, and the rain was coming down so hard
It was splashing in my eyes.
Temporarily blinded,
I sat and thought.

I have been gone for two years.
I have watched you change,
Becoming more cynical, more serious…
You’re growing up, Noah.
You no longer care for Spongebob or Mario games.
It’s all Call of Duty and innuendos now.
You’ve been growing up without me recently.
I missed you so much when I was gone.
Much-ly, as you’d say.
And now that I’m here, I still have no time for you?
When will I have time again?
When you’re getting married?
When you’re 50, and I call to see how you are?
Will you remember these days that I didn’t have time to hang out?
Will you no longer like playing baseball
And having bonfires in the back?
Will there be an awkward silence on the phone,
Because I never took the time to know you as a child,
Why would you take the time to know me as an adult?

This morning, I got out of bed in a panic.
We have to go for a walk in the rain, I say.
I throw on my clothes and yell into your room for you to get dressed,
Because we’re going for a walk in the rain!
You jump up excitedly, eyes barely visible,
A fire behind your smile.
Mom yells, “Finish your homework first!”
I hurry you through it and we run outside.

It was too late. It stopped raining.

But maybe we can still go for a walk in the sun.


How much do you love me?

Today, I looked at you and remembered how much you loved her.

Do you love me as much?

When you stare off into the distance as I’m trying to tell you about my day, are you thinking of that past, long gone? Are you thinking of the nights you stayed up texting her until you couldn’t keep your eyes open? Your shared secrets, your moments of weakness, your bond. Pouring your heart out to her. Ending every message with an, “I love you.” Long, long paragraphs, written in desperate passion.

Passion. I wonder if that’s a feeling that will ever really be associated with me.

I wish you would just talk to me. Please. Just look at me. Pay me your full attention.

See me.

I’m just the rebound. The rebound that you happened to marry.

Body, Y U NO cooperate?!

So I’ve been feeling really good in general lately, but my body is plotting against me. I’ve had headaches or earaches almost every day this week, which is super lame. Why can’t my body just go, “Oh, Kat is having a good life, I should cooperate and make everything awesomer.” Instead, it goes, “Oh, Kat is having a good life. It would be a shame if SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN…>:D”


I’m covering a shift for somebody tomorrow morning, which is lame because I haven’t had a day off in a week. But it’s fine, I need the hours anyway. I’m just not looking forward to getting up early. Blah.

Also, the cool thing about working the night shift for the first time tonight, is that I get all the free food I want! Seriously, they have to throw it away at the end of the day because it’ll go stale by tomorrow, so they let us take whatever’s left int he case for free. Plus free drinks because I’m an employee. I got a cheese pretzel, two brownies, a lemon cake, an apple cake, and a chocolate croissant tonight. Also a crap ton of tea. So yeah, S-Bucks has been filling my food needs. 😀

Also, I don’t know what to think of one of my coworkers. Sometimes he’s really mean to me, to the point where I almost cry. And then suddenly he’ll be super nice to me out of nowhere. It’s weird. 😛 I wish he’d just be one way or the other, you know? I never know what’ll set him off.

Anyway, Bobby is pestering me to go to bed because we have to be up super early. So, goodnight!

Lake Zorinsky is awesome, and this kid is the best kid ever.

So today, I cut Noah and Bobby’s hair, and then we took my siblings to Lake Zorinsky in Omaha. It’s literally like 2 city blocks from the apartments we applied for, 2 blocks from Bobby’s work, and 3 blocks from mine. AND IT. IS. AWESOME.

We sat on the docks for hours and played in the water and talked, and I took some photos that I’m pretty excited about.

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And then THIS kid. This kid. This kid is the best ever. He sat down on the other dock and started blaring “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen while looking super depressed. We were trying not to laugh, but were also mildly concerned, and I tried to convince Kristina to go ask him if he was okay. He kept up the act until his sister came over and was like, “….seriously?! Apologize to those people, they were just minding their own business!” We all started cracking up and kinda made friends with them, they came over to sit on our dock and Noah and him talked about Shrek Is Love, Shrek Is Life (don’t ask). It was pretty much the best thing ever.


All in all, it was an amazing night. I’m really excited to live so close to the lake, and pretty much everything else that we need. It’s all within a mile of us.

Which reminds me…


Everything seems like it’s falling into place for once. I love it.

Also, Noah seems to really be bonding with Bobby. The other day, he came in and went, “I really like Bobby. He’s really nice to me. He’s the first brother I’ve had that actually likes me and wants to do stuff with me and teach me things.” My husband is so good to my family, pretty much everybody loves him. It’s really nice to see. ❤

Anyway, I gotta go wash my work apron. I work 12 to 5 tomorrow. K bye!

People are confusing creatures.

So, remember how I said that S.T. and S.H. haven’t really warmed up to me? Well, today was weird because of that.

Basically, I got to work just as S.T. was getting there, and I decided to do my best to get her to warm up to me, so I was trying to be friendly. I saw she had a M.C.R. bag, and I was like, “I like your bag. Do you like M.C.R. a lot?” and she smiled and was like, “Yeah, they’re pretty much my favorite band of all time. I see you have a Day To Remember bracelet. I saw them in Lincoln last year with All Time Low.” and I was like, “I’m glad there’s somebody else here who likes rock.” and she was like, “Yeah, me too. Pretty much everybody else here is pretty mainstream.” And then she was nice to me for most of the day. It was me, her, S.H. and Ian for the afternoon, until Ian went home at 6. The whole day, we were cracking jokes, and it really seemed like everybody was warming up to me. But as soon as Ian went home, S.T. and S.H. went right back to not talking to me unless they needed me to do something. It was kinda depressing, but I wonder if they do that because they don’t like each other and just don’t know me well enough, or what. Maybe they just don’t know how to talk to me? I don’t know, but it was really weird. 😛

Anyway, I also gave a “Thank You” card to David for being welcoming to me when I first started. David has super fluffy, curly hair, and he’s really tall and lanky, so everybody calls him Llama. So I drew him a rainbow llama with sparkles on his card, and he LOVED IT. Seriously, his reaction was pretty much the best thing ever. He taped it to his iPhone case. XD Also, Ian and I commented on people coming through the drive-through all day. There was a lady who was literally POPPING HER PIMPLES in her mirror when I was trying to talk to her! Seriously, who does that?!?! Also, there were some shirtless rednecks with 20 toilets in the back of their truck. It was pretty much the best thing ever.

Anyway. I should go to bed now. We finally have money, so we’re going into town before I go to work to get lunch together. 🙂 MKAY BYE!

Pretty much the suckiest work day so far.

Soooo today was pretty much the worst work day I’ve had at S-bucks so far.

This morning, I woke up and my ear was pretty much swollen shut, and my lymph nodes were super tender. I’m probably getting an ear infection, which sucks because I don’t have active health insurance until like January, so I just put some swim-ear in there and got ready for work. Also, before I left, my mom told me that she’s not getting the money/child-support that she was supposed to get this week, so she’s pawning her computer and is probably still gonna be financially screwed for the next few weeks, so by the time I left for work, I was already pretty stressed out and worried in general.

Anyway, so I got to work, and ended up working my whole shift with my current least favorite coworkers, S.T. and S.H. They’re not exactly mean, but they’re not nice either. Both of them just ignore me unless they want me to do something, and then they just go, “Kat, I need you to go do ——.” They don’t even act nice or smile or anything. I mean, they talk to each other, so maybe it’s just me….I’m still trying to get on their good sides though, so I’m trying to not make any snap judgements. But still. So work was somewhat stressful already, just because of that tension.

My second customer in the drive-through today was really pissed off at me. Basically, she came through and got coffees, and her total was like $7-something. I swiped her S-bucks card, and she only had about $3.50 on there, so I was like, “Okay, I will still need $3.50.” And she started freaking out, saying she had just put $15 on there and she NEEDED to see a manager RIGHT NOW. So I went back to get Jason (my manager) but he was in a meeting, and he was kinda mad that I interrupted and told me to get Greg instead. Greg was kinda upset that I interrupted him as well, but he came to the window and talked to her. It turned out that he couldn’t reason with her either, so he just gave her her drinks for free. But what had happened was, she had put $15 on her card, but spent most of it in the very same transaction, soooo yeah. But she wouldn’t listen. Later on, when I was on break, I overheard Greg telling Jason what happened, and heard my name mentioned, so I hope I’m not in trouble. 😦

But that’s not even the worst part!

Later on, I was mopping the floors, turned around, and ran smack into David P. AHDVAJGVDKAJGDVAJAKJ NOOOOO WHYYYY. Let me give you some background on this guy. Basically, he used to go to my old church, and was a total creep, and dated one of my friends, but then they broke up, and then he stalked her for like 6 years, even though he has a girlfriend and a baby, and he tried to stalk me, and when my husband told him to leave me alone, he told him that he was gonna call the cops because he “threatened violence” even though all he said was, “Leave my friends alone.” YEAH SO, it’s a tangled web of complicated, horrifying messiness. Anyway, so apparently he works for the security company that delivers our tills now, and I ran smack into him. I just acted like I didn’t see him and turned around to continue mopping on the other side of the bar, but inside I was like “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.” I don’t think he recognized me though.

So anyway….after that horrifying experience, I was on drive through duty for most of the day. I screwed up a handful of orders, which was really depressing because whenever I did, S.T. would get snappy at me and come fix it herself instead of showing me how to fix it. 😦 Then, a lady had a hot tea, but I got it in the wrong size, so I was getting rid of the wrong one while they were making the right one, right? Well, I took the lid off, and the cup basically collapsed in my hands and I got 180-degree water alllllllll over my hands. I pretty much went into shock. I don’t remember what I said, I think it was something like, “…..craaaaaaaapppppppp!” But S.T. was like, “What happened?!” And I was like “….The tea spilled. I’m okay.” What I didn’t realize was that tears were streaming down my face and I was kinda half-collapsing on the floor in shock. So they were like, “You need to run cold water over your hands.” So I did. Jason came out of the back room and was like, “What’s wrong?” I’m sobbing and saying, “It’s okay. I’m okay.” over and over. He got me some burn cream and some gloves to put on over the burn cream. After about 5 minutes I finally had some grasp of what was happening, so I went right back to work. I still couldn’t really feel my thumbs again for another hour or so, but it’s fine now. I DID burn myself again about 2 more times between then and when I went home, though. Pretty much the only person who showed any concern for me after that point was Sabrina. She’s really nice. I really wish I could work with her more. :/ At least she’s friendly and acts like she’s glad I’m there, instead of annoyed…

Anyway, after that, thigns ran pretty smoothly. I mainly just felt kinds depressed in general. I feel like, even though I really love my job, I still suck at it a lot and everybody is annoyed with me because I’m so slow. 😦 I feel like most of them just don’t really want me there, and hate it when I ask questions, and I feel like a huge nuisance. *sighs*


Good things that happened today: Justin and I have bonded over the fact that we both like Detroit Red Wings hockey, and I helped a customer choose a drink based on their Scooter’s preference. Basically, she’d never been to S-bucks and was like, “I really like the Carmelicious at Scooter’s, do you have anything similar?” and I was like, “GUUUUUURL. The Carmelicious was my favorite at Scooter’s too. I got it like every day before going to college. Try the Caramel Frappucino, it’s pretty much the same. I can even put extra caramel drizzle inside for you.” And she was super happy with it and with me. 🙂 Huzzah!

Soooooo bottom line is….I really like my job. I like making coffee, and keeping busy and everything. I just wish it was easier for me to make friends. :/

Well anyway….I gotta do some laundry and stuff, and put some swim-ear in my ear. Byyyyyye!

Nobody reads this, and I’m glad.

You know, I’m glad that nobody knows about this blog. I feel like I’m finally free to not censor myself, which is great. I haven’t had that feeling since I first started my Xanga. But Xanga is dead, soooooo….yeah.

So I work at Starbucks now. I like working there waaaaaay better than I liked working at Goodwill (because Goodwill is full of ghetto jerks who hate everyone…), but MAN is it hard. There’s so much to remember, and I get really nervous that I’m gonna forget how to do stuff. It’s also really fast-paced. Everyone is nice to me though, so it’s all good. Mainly, the only person I’ve had any problems with so far was Stephi, and that was only at first, because I guess she was having a bad day and was pretty snappy towards me. But the next day, she was really nice to me, so I guess it was just a one time thing. Buuuuuut yeah.

So anyway. I’m really feeling at home here in Nebraska. I feel so much more like myself, and everything has been great. We’re moving into an apartment at the beginning of next month, which is REALLY exciting because I love those apartments, and Preston is living there too, so we’ll get to see him pretty much every day! 🙂 I’ve missed Preston. Also, we’ll have a FIREPLACE!!! And a balcony! And a washer and dryer in the unit!!! 😀 YESSSS!!!

Also, Bobby got a job at Firestone. I’m really happy for him, this is pretty much his dream job. Plus, between the two of us, we should have enough money to afford to go back to college, which is super exciting. 🙂

Today was Ean’s birthday party, and I’m sad that I can’t go. 😦 But we lack money, soooo….yeah.

Anyway. So I’ve gotten back into rock/metal, which is amazing. I’ve missed it more than I realized. It’s pretty much all I listen to at this point. 🙂 I discovered some awesome new bands, and re-awakened my love of old rock bands. It’s been great. Not that I’m limiting myself, buuut yeah. When I was younger, I would just listen to whatever was “cool” and my friends were listening to, and it feels pretty good to listen to what I actually LIKE now. I’m glad that I’m secure enough to do that again.

Also. I feel like I haven’t been giving myself enough time to really think things through, especially when it comes to art and writing. I’m trying to give myself enough time to really think about stuff and really formulate my thoughts and what I want to say and stuff. It’s not apparent in this specific blog because I had sooo much to say, but next time I write, I’ll try to slow down and take more time to talk about the things that I want to say.

Anyway…I need to shower and do laundry. BYE!





Okay, so. The past week and a half or so has been so dang crazy! Preston got here on Saturday (the 16th). I packed pretty much everything we owned on Monday and Tuesday, we kinda just slacked off on Wednesday, said goodbye to friends, and then picked up the Uhaul and did massive cleaning of the apartment on Thursday. It was ridiculous, we didn’t go to bed until almost 3am that night. But at least the apartment got all clean. We were all kinda grumpy and exhausted at that point though.

Anyway, we got up bright and early on Friday, despite only having roughly 4 hours of sleep total. I returned the Rug Doctor thing, and we did some last-minute detailing on the apartment before turning our keys in. We waved goodbye to the old place and went off to Bobby’s parents’ place to pick up the Uhaul and a few things from them. We said goodbye to them, which was kinda sad….I almost cried. They’re really good in-laws. But they plan to move to Omaha in a few years as well, once they finish paying off their house. So it’s okay. Afterwards, we went to the Uhaul place to get the trailer for the car. By this time, it was about 12:30pm. However, we ran into a few problems once we got to the Uhaul place. The trailer that we had rented was too low for Bobby’s Honda (since he had lowered it about an inch and a half and put on a new big exhaust system), so we had to go to a different location to get a different trailer. Come to find out, it was also just a bit too low for that trailer, so we had to kinda force it on there. We finally got it all set up and ready to go, but we didn’t leave town until it was almost 3pm.

So we drove to North Platte, NE, which is about halfway between Colorado Springs and Omaha. We arrived a little after 10pm, so we weren’t able to go see Expendables 3 with Brodie and Preston, but we ended up going to Applebees instead, and then spent the night in another friend’s house. We listened to a bunch of metal, and they introduced me to the band Underoath, which was pretty boss. Brodie and I got into a slap/tickle fight, which was hilarious because both of us are touchy-feely types, and neither of us had played like that in YEARS, so it was really fun and nice to just be able to mess around like that without it being weird or anything.

So anyway, we left North Platte bright and early Saturday morning, and stopped at Preston’s Aunt and Uncle’s house in Cozad for lunch. And by “stopped”, I mean we ended up staying there for almost 3 hours. But they seemed really nice. Preston’s Aunt especially took a liking to me and showed me around their whole house. I guess she doesn’t get female visitors often, and wanted to show her remodeling work to another woman who would understand how important the state of her house was to her. Lol.

Anyway, we left Cozad and, except for a stop in Kearney for snacks, drove straight through to Omaha. We listened to a ton of metal and alternative music along the way, and Preston has established that we have the same tastes in music. We did some headbanging to Foo Fighters, Anberlin and 30 Seconds to Mars while Bobby was driving, and have bonded through our similar backgrounds and tastes in almost everything. It’s really nice to finally feel like I’m actually connecting on a deeper level to my friends, not just keeping things on the surface. I haven’t felt this connected to anyone in over 2 years. Lesson being: I need more metalhead friends, because they’re more real towards me. XD

We arrived at my mom’s place around 4:30pm on Saturday and unloaded the Uhaul. My siblings and I were being all crazy and weird (which I’m pretty sure freaked Preston out a little bit, lol) and then we watched a movie and didn’t go to bed until about 1am. Sunday morning, we slept in for the first time in FOREVER, and then went with my family to the zoo! It was the first time Bobby had ever been to the Henry Doorly zoo, and he thought it was awesome (as he should). Afterwards, the two of us went to Mahoney because Sunday was our 1 year wedding anniversary. We ate at the lodge, and camped out in a tent and had a fire and everything. The next morning, we went to the observation tower, had breakfast at the lodge, and went walking down by the marina and the park. We’ve established that we both really love Mahoney, so we got a yearly park pass. He wants to go back for his bithday, but stay in a lodge room and take me fishing and everything, which I’m super excited about.

Anyway, so then we dropped by my mold Hy-Vee for groceries, and it’s exactly like it used to be! Different people, but the store is just as nice as I remember it, and it still smells like ham. I’m really happy about that. XD Once we finished getting groceries, we went home and grilled out and had a campfire, which was really nice. We talked with my family and spent time with them and everything. My mom is still pushy and stubborn, and my siblings still have attitudes and are a bit lazy, but you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my imperfect, irritating, obnoxious, exuberant family. I feel more alive now than I have in years and years.

Anyway, so today has mostly just been lazy. We’re making plans to hang out with friends tonight and tomorrow, and I’ve been applying for jobs everywhere and learning about school stuff. ALSO ALSO ASLO, I just applied at Starbucks about 2 hours ago, and got a call back for an interview ALREADY!!!! WOOOOO!!! BOOYAH!!!


So anyway…how have you guys been? 🙂

I saw that he likes Nickelback, and suddenly…I got over it.

So I have this art page on Facebook, right? Well it kept saying I had a notification, but it wouldn’t display it, so I made a little dummy account just to see if I could see what was new on my page from the outside. Well whatever it was still didn’t show up, so I went back to the home page and prepared to log out. Just then, I saw something in the “suggested friends” section. It was an ex-friend of mine.

Let me give some background on that.

I had been friends with this guy, Emory, since I was 13. We met at a Student Venture bonfire. I don’t know why, but he just started talking to me, and we sat down and basically talked for 6 hours, until it was almost 11pm. The fire had gone out a long time ago, so we were just staring at the stars in the darkness, talking about life. He told me about the sad things that had happened to him, things that he’d never told anyone else.

So we were best friends since that night.

Now, my mom reaaaally disliked him. She thought he had a “creepy” vibe. I was very naive at the time (being 13 and all) and didn’t really think much of it. Anyway, she wouldn’t let me be around him alone, and wouldn’t let me talk to him on the phone or anything. I basically just saw him at SV and that was it. We were still good friends though, and shared a love of art, which was nice.

Fast forward to 2011. Bobby and I had been dating for a little over a month. Bobby was my first boyfriend (and I am now married to him). Emory had been increasingly clingy, trying to get me to come hang out with him and call him all the time, which I couldn’t do because my mom still forbade it. Then, out of nowhere, he deleted me on Facebook and stopped showing up to SV, basically cut me out of his life. I messaged him saying, “Hey…..are you mad at me for some reason? I mean, you just randomly stopped talking to me last time we talked…..and then you deleted me as a friend…..what’s the matter?”
He said, “Please forgive my rude behavior, but if you are upset because you believe I have something personal to gripe, you aren’t the only one I did that to.
I’m not angry with anyone; I’m not holding any grudges. It was nothing you said, nor anything you did.” and then blocked me permanently. So that was the end. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since then. It was heartbreaking for me at the time, losing my best friend so suddenly, with no explanation. And so soon after my parents had divorced and my old church kicked us out, too. It was just too much at once.

Anyway, so I saw his account with the dummy account and decided to see how he’s doing. Nothing had really changed on his Facebook, but it listed his likes and Nickelback was one of them. Nickelback, ICP, Motorhead, and Anime Girls. And suddenly, I broke. That was it. I got over him, over our old friendship, everything. I went back to my Facebook page and re-read our old messages, and I couldn’t believe what I saw. I must’ve been too naive when we were friends, because almost every time we talked, even when Bobby and I were dating, or even when I openly liked other guys, he was CONSTANTLY hitting on me. Constantly asking me to call him, hang out with him alone, and he even protested when I told him my mom said we had to have one other friend with us. How could I have been so blind?

Was our whole friendship only about him wanting to get in my pants? Was that why he just blocked me after I started officially dating someone else? How could a person decieve someone else like that for 5 YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP?!

Anyway. I just needed to write about this. It pisses me off that he would take advantage of my naivety and trusting nature like that. I was only a potential commodity to him. And if I see him when Bobby and I live in Blair, I will just ignore him. He doesn’t deserve my sympathy, he doesn’t deserve my friendship. I will not try to make ammends with him.

Fool me once…

So I drew today!

I actually drew stuff today for once, so I feel pretty good about that. 🙂


Sharon made me draw this because I didn’t text her back…apparently I owed her retribution. XD


I drew this because Bobby and I were talking about how Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are BFFs, and then I thought of Fox and the Hound, aaaand yeah. This happened.

I also fixed Bobby’s mom’s map for her, for her book. So I had a productive day. We went over to Donita’s house today and had lunch, and she has this super adorable bunny that runs around and chases her dog. I got to pet them both. Not Donita, the dog…lol. Anyway, so then we went back to the in-laws’ place and I drew stuff for most of the day.

The only thing I felt kinda bad about was that today was Haanzs’s birthday party and we couldn’t go because we already had the plans with Donita. :/ But oh well…at least we got him a card.

Anyway, I’m super tired. My eyes are drooping and I can barely keep them open. Time to sleep. I can already hear Bobby snoring in the other room…:)