A lot has happened in the past couple of months.
But I promised you people I would tell you about my family, so I will.
Well, for starters, I was raised in an emotionally abusive environment. Mostly from my father, and my older brother. My father never really cared about us, and when he and my mother separated back in July, he started using us kids as pawns to get to my mom. Yeah. My older brother was a whole other animal. Angry, abusive, bitter (though I don’t blame him, he was the one my dad physically abused)…he hated my guts, more than any of the other kids’ I think. I’m not sure why. He did attempt to molest me when I was 10, but I got out of there before he could.
Which brings me to another point about the men in my family/life in general. They all have had sexual issues in one form or another. My father lusted after other women constantly throughout my parents’ 24 year marriage, even going so far as to masturbate over them. And us. Us girls in the family. That’s right. What kind of sick person fantasizes about their own daughters? Anyway, this broke my mom’s heart, she felt like she was a worthless failure at being a spouse. Then, there’s my brother Nik. He had even worse sexual issues. He molested our DOG. What. The. Heck.
Then there’s my mom. She’s pretty much the strongest person I know. Yet extremely paranoid. She has the most insane life story. She was raised by a father who beat/raped them on a day to day basis, and was an alcoholic. Then her first husband was a wife beating drug dealer, who hit her so hard she lost her first baby, what would’ve been my oldest brother, Christopher. After she ran away with my two oldest sisters, she met my father. In her words, he never loved her. He didn’t even propose. Once, she told him he was her best friend, and he said “I already have friends, I don’t need another friend, I need a wife.” That pretty much sums him up. WTF. Who knows WHY she married him, but she did. So there’s definitely an abusive pattern with the men in my family.
On to other subjects.
It didn’t work out with the guy previously known here as DUDE. He’s a good friend. And that’s all. See…..after he told me he just wanted to be friends, I started seeing things. Differences, in how we relate. One thing in particular I noticed about him is that he is very insensitive. I’m not trying to be mean, just saying. I’m a really sensitive person (not always in a good way), and I think that would’ve hurt me more and more as time went on. So it’s alright that it didn’t work.
However, I have someone else. Bobby.
Bobby is a good person. And I really do care about him. A LOT. He’s really freaking awesome. He’s been through a lot….I kinda just need something at this point to reassure me that he won’t ever be like my father, or my grandfather, or my mom’s 1st husband…..I’m scared, I guess. Scared of being hurt again, by another man I trusted. I don’t want that to happen. I want to trust. For once in my life, I might have the chance of being loved for ME, not for anything else but what I really am. Proof of my fear of openness: I almost deleted this just now. I’m still resisting the urge to do so. 😛
In my honest opinion, we really do need to get to know each other better. I need to tell him these things which I tell you here. I haven’t even started telling him. I guess…I might just be afraid of opening up too much. I know a lot of things about him, about his past, that other people hold against him. But I refuse to do the same. I don’t care about pasts, as long as they aren’t repeated.
I’m so freaking tired. But I can’t sleep. 😛
The funny thing is, nobody will read this rant. Ha.