Worst dream ever? Yeah, pretty much.

So I had this dream last night. It started out that we were having our house demolished. We had this huge bulldozer and we were just ripping the house apart with it, tore out all the roofs of all the bedrooms and started throwing everything away. I was helping demolish the bathroom when I felt this horrible jerking pain in my stomach. I looked down and I was bleeding everywhere, and when I looked back up, my older brother Nik was standing in the doorway, and he said “Looks like you’re about to have your baby.” I gave him a confused look and said “I’m married?” He said “No. OUR baby.” and then he told me that almost every week for the past 10 years, he had drugged me until I was unconscious and raped me. Now, I know this is completely impossible because he’s been gone for the past 6 years, but in this dream it was horribly real. I freaked out, grabbed the nearest thing I could find (which was a metal pipe from the bathtub) and ran at him, screaming “YOU SICK DEMENTED B*STARD!!!! YOU F*CKING RUINED ME!!!” and relentlessly beat him over the head with that pipe. It didn’t seem to do anything to him at all, he just stood there smirking while I cried and tried to kill him. My mom walked in just then and said “Stop fighting!” and grabbed my arm. By then I was just filled with pure rage and yelled “But he raped me!” she just said “I know.” and took the pipe from my hands. Then she took him and left the room, as if she was sheltering him from me. I just sat on the floor, in total shock. Then I thought that I needed to call Bobby and let him know what had happened. So I did. And he decided to leave me because I was “dirty” now. So I was left alone with my brother’s rape child.

Oh, and for some reason, I knew I couldn’t give it up for adoption. I had to keep it. 

So yeah, then I woke up crying and realized it was all just a dream.

I don’t know why I even had this dream, cause I haven’t even thought about my older brother in months, and we were never really close to begin with. But I do understand why he was the rapist in this situation. When we were younger, he came close to molesting me 3 different times, and actually DID molest my older sister. I think the only reason it didn’t happen to me was that I was such a tattletale when I was younger, he knew I would’ve told on him. 😛 

So yeah. Worst dream ever.

Pondering.

Today I went to college and found out a got 100% on my test that I took on Monday (which was all word problems). I really wasn’t expecting to do that well, so that was good.

Also, I realized something about myself. I have a really hard time trusting people. That’s not how I was a few years ago. I used to just be able to believe someone when they tell me something, with no doubts. But I’ve been hurt by so many people who I thought loved me (especially over these past few years), that it has become really hard to trust anyone. Even when I have absolutely no reason to doubt them, and they’ve been completely trustworthy. I just can’t tell whether or not someone is lying to me. It really sucks. 

I also realized that this is the root of most of my insecurities. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because it shows up in my relationship. I realized that this past weekend. Bobby has never given me any reason to doubt him at all. Ever. But even so, sometimes I subconsciously put up these emotional walls, even against him, because deep down I’m afraid of being lied to and getting hurt again. I hate that. I want to be open and close to him at all times, but I don’t know how. Deep down, I’m still afraid that somehow it’s all been a lie and he will end up leaving.

I hate myself for being this way. 😦

 

Bobby’s Visit

So I had a great weekend. Bobby came out to visit for the weekend of Fall Fest. We went to pick him up on Saturday from the airport. His plane was about an hour late, so he got in around 4:30. Then we had to go to the Verizon store because my mom’s phone was acting like it was demon possessed, randomly dialing numbers or trying to go onto the internet to buy stuff. The dude at the store gave her a new phone cause it turned out hers was a really, really old version. Once we were done there, we went to HyVee to get foodz, and then went back to the house. Laura and Dan were there and we made pizza. They brought their dogs, which were acting crazy so my mom made us put them outside. Then we watched a bunch of movies. I ended up falling asleep in Bobby’s arms, and woke up at the end of the last movie, around 1am. Lol. Then they left and we all went to bed.

Next day (Sunday), we got up and went to church. After we left church, Bobby and I took Nathan and left for Fall Fest. We got to the Davises house, and then realized we didn’t bring any food. So we kidnapped Brodie and went back to Target, got some green tea ginger ale and oreos, and Bobby bought us some Starbucks. I personally prefer Scooters to Starbucks, but both are good. Lol. Except the “chocolate” smoothie that I got ended up tasting like old nasty bananas, so I just gave it to Kristina. 😛 blech. That was NOT chocolate!!! Anyway, then we headed back to the Davis place and hung out with Brodie some more until more people came. Bobby finally got to meet Jenna and Jared (a.k.a. my surrogate older brother and sister), which I was really happy about. 🙂 Bobby and Jared ended up nerding out with Brodie for like an hour, and we all went on a long walk. Also, I fought Jenna with one hand and won. Lol. I’m kinda proud of that, even though I still have her nail marks in my wrist. XD 

    

Nerding out. 🙂

After we got back from our walk, we basically played with Laura’s dog for a while. She dyed Cara’s hair many bright colors. I like it. Lol. Now Laura and Cara have matching hair. And they also bleached Jon’s hair. He looks like such a tool now, but thankfully he’s getting it cut. XD

Donald was there, and he was acting really weird. I mean, he used to talk to me all the time, and we were actually really good friends. But when I saw him there, he wouldn’t talk to me and barely said hi. Sharon said it was because he decided that he can’t be friends with anybody who is in a relationship, which I think is pretty retarded. 😛 But whatever. 

Speaking of which, Sharon and Bobby finally talked and they’re friends again now. 🙂 I’m really happy about that. It’s great to not have all that tension anymore whenever he visits and I hang out with her.  Huzzah! So we all talked for like 3 hours, basically until midnight. It was great.

Also, my dad totally avoided us the whole time. 😀 I think he’s afraid of Bobby. Mwahahaha. Or it might’ve been because we were sitting in the corner under the lights talking really loudly about how awesome my mom is and the fact that my dad has a molestache. XD Either way, we didn’t have to deal with his crap at all. Well, except for the fact that he was giving Bobby death glares from the living room. So we went outside.

It ended up raining for a little while, so a bunch of people left. I think the only people left after that were the Davises, me, Nathan, Bobby, and the Gerbers. So we just ended up hanging out and talking by the fire until we had to go.

So Fall Fest was AWESOME.

Then yesterday morning, Bobby and I went to my college cause I had a class, and I had a test too. It was math (my worst subject), and the whole test was word problems. 😛 But I think I did pretty well. Then we went back to the house to wait for John and Sophie, and cooked ramen in the wok I bought him for his birthday. 🙂 John and Sophie came, and we went and had lunch with them at the HyVee asian buffet. Lol. We talked for a while, which was nice. I told them about what happened with my dad, because apparently they had no idea. But the Gerber’s dad was almost exactly like my dad (on a much worse scale), so John understood. But we had a good time, and according to them, their faces hadn’t hurt from smiling so much since John lost his job. Lol.

Then they left, and we went back to the house. We watched Tokyo Drift and Fast 5 (the extended version), but the extended version has only 1 extra scene, which was kinda disappointing. So we browsed the interwebz for a while and then went downstairs and watched King of the Hill and American Dad. Lol. Bobby and I also had a bit of a talk because I was feeling kinda insecure. 😛 I’m just kinda lame like that. It’s really hard for me to believe that people really love me and can actually be loyal, and won’t just leave, because most people DO end up leaving me. : But it’s okay now. Then we just stayed up really late watching youtube videos until my mom came home, and then we went to bed. 

Then this morning, we got up and got dressed and took Nathan to HyVee to do his training, stopped for coffee, and then took Bobby to the airport. I really didn’t want him to leave. 3 days wasn’t enough time! 😦 Alas. 

But over all it was an awesome weekend. 

Oh, and I saw this awesome sticker on some guy’s car on our way home today. XD

Anyways, now I’m watching Criminal Minds with my siblings and being bored. Laterz!

 

  

Family.

So today, as I was rummaging through an old box of photos in our garage, I stumbled across this.

 

This was my family in 1997. It scares me how much I looked like my dad. O.o (I’m the one sitting in the bottom left corner with the pigtails.) 

This picture also perfectly describes our lives back then. My two oldest sisters were on opposite sides of this picture, and back then, they hated each other, so that doesn’t surprise me. They’d constantly fight about everything. They both wanted out of the house and couldn’t afford to move, and my dad was abusive towards them (and the rest of us) and they couldn’t do anything about it. So they took it out on each other.

My oldest brother is the one next to me, on my left. He looks like he’s about ready to cry, which makes sense, considering how my dad treated him. He got the brunt of the abuse, both emotionally and physically. But then again, he ended up dishing it out just as badly when he became a teenager. :

My next oldest sister is on his left. She doesn’t look very happy either, probably because she was going through just as much abuse as my brother was, and then some extra from my brother himself. 

Then there I am. I don’t remember much about this time, only that I was sad because everyone else was sad, and we were poor and couldn’t afford anything for Christmas. All we had was that tree our neighbors gave us (on the left of the picture.) and my mom had told me that day that at the end of the week we had to sell everything because we were moving to Nebraska. We lived in Ohio then.

My younger brother is the one sitting in my dad’s lap. He’s making that sucking face because in those days, he was ADDICTED to his pacifier (he had 5 of them on a little rope that we’d tie to his pajamas), and my mom had taken it out for the picture, but he just kept sucking. Lol.

Then there’s my mom, she was probably the most sad of us all. My dad was dragging our family from state to state because he just wouldn’t take a job that wasn’t as prestigious as IBM, and at this specific time, he’d dragged us right into the middle of a chauvinistic cult who seriously excommunicated my mom because she wouldn’t do every tiny thing any male told her to do. So she was alone, scared, and being abused. And trying to make ends meet with 7 kids. Yeah.

So that’s what we were like in 1997.

FASTFORWARD!

This is us now.

 

 

Moral of the story? MY FAMILY IS AWESOME.

AND…

No dad=9000 BONUS POINTS!!!! XD Lol.

 

It still kinda scares me how much I look like him though.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!! D:

 

Lol rambling time=over.

 

 

 

 

She makes me sick. >:(

RANT TIME!!!!

Okay, so, backstory. My friend Jordan (who I had a mild crush on about a year ago, but got over fairly quickly) has liked this girl, lets call her “Kris”, for over 2 years. Not just liked, he genuinely LOVED her. He’d do anything for her, seriously. And he’s not the type to just have random crushes or anything. He was totally serious about her. Well, the first year he liked her, she didn’t like him back. She ended up dating this guy, lets call him “Steve”, and eventually getting engaged to him. Jordan was heartbroken, but gave her up and started getting over her. Well, then Steve broke off the engagement with Kris. But then later she found out she was pregnant with his child. Well, Jordan still loved her, and here’s where it gets crazy. She finally told him she liked him back. He was seriously overjoyed, it was like his dream had finally come true or something. For the past two months, he has been the happiest I’ve ever seen him. He wanted to be there for her and Steve’s baby, and everything. And she allegedly loved him too.

BUT THEN…

TODAY she decided it’d be the greatest idea to crush his heart AGAIN and leave him for some guy named Nate. 

WTF!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

WWWWWTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFF?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!???!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

I mean, once is bad enough! But she used him TWICE!!! Just crushed his heart and doesn’t even care! 

I’m so freaking angry right now.

Backwards People.

“If this is reality, this god is not worth my time.”

Today, I had a conversation with some of my non-Christian friends about Christianity. And one of them said this. 

I’m sorry, but that’s total arrogance. Who said any of our time is valuable in the first place? Why should we think of ourselves as so important? Why should God have to prove HE is worth MY time? It should be the other way around. Why am I worth GOD’s time? 

People can be so backwards, including myself….God doesn’t need to prove Himself. He doesn’t need to explain Himself, or give excuses for why He did what He did. HE is freaking GOD!! He can do whatever the crap He wants! We’re lucky he’s a GOOD God, or we’d all be dead by now. He has a reason for why He does everything He does, but that doesn’t mean that we have to know, or even understand those reasons. 

As Tumnus from Chronicles of Narnia said, “He’s not a tame lion, but He is good.”

Rant over.