Pondering.

Today I went to college and found out a got 100% on my test that I took on Monday (which was all word problems). I really wasn’t expecting to do that well, so that was good.

Also, I realized something about myself. I have a really hard time trusting people. That’s not how I was a few years ago. I used to just be able to believe someone when they tell me something, with no doubts. But I’ve been hurt by so many people who I thought loved me (especially over these past few years), that it has become really hard to trust anyone. Even when I have absolutely no reason to doubt them, and they’ve been completely trustworthy. I just can’t tell whether or not someone is lying to me. It really sucks. 

I also realized that this is the root of most of my insecurities. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because it shows up in my relationship. I realized that this past weekend. Bobby has never given me any reason to doubt him at all. Ever. But even so, sometimes I subconsciously put up these emotional walls, even against him, because deep down I’m afraid of being lied to and getting hurt again. I hate that. I want to be open and close to him at all times, but I don’t know how. Deep down, I’m still afraid that somehow it’s all been a lie and he will end up leaving.

I hate myself for being this way. 😦

 

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