Haaaaa yeah.

So I’m posting this from my Zune because I’m in bed, I’m too lazy to go get my computer, and I just woke up and can’t fall back asleep for some reason. Its 2:30am here.

Why am I not sleeping?!

Bobby and Nic are coming to visit in two weeks. They’re staying at my house for a weekend. I’m sooooooooo excited to see Bobby, and I’ve never met Nic in real life, so that should be fun. πŸ™‚ he seems cool and stuff.

I really want to get out of the house. πŸ˜› gah….
Yesterday, I decided that I’ve become really inactive and I need to get out of the house more often. Maybe its just the awesome rainy, windy weather, but I feel like running everywhere….all the time.
…I miss climbing on the roof of the house when we lived in Blair!!
I’m insane……………

I have to work tomorrow..

Why am I listening to Mumford and Sons?!

You know what? I love everyone. That is all.

I wanna cuddle with someone. RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

…………..I’m crazy. I’m going to bed. Night world.

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Happiness. :)

So I had Cara sleep over at my house last night. I haven’t seen her since Fall Fest, and even then we really didn’t talk much or get to hang out at all. So technically, the last time we had really talked was in August, when we went to Hangtime together. 

 

Having her over was amazing though. I really felt like we got to reconnect. We video chatted with Savannah for a little bit, but she kept leaving and was kinda ignoring us so we just left. Lol. We played guitar and sang, reminisced, went and raided the fridge around 4am and got some oranges….I made her take a personality test on my computer and we listened to a ton of awesome music. We ended up staying up till 5am, talking about life and love and the future…etc. 

I realized this morning when I woke up that I love that. Just…talking to people…for long periods of time. Opening up. No matter how terrible I feel in the first place, if I can talk to someone about it, I feel great afterwards. Lol. It’s kinda funny. I love my friends. πŸ™‚

 

Anyway, so last night was amazing. 

 

Oh, also, today while I was digging around in this box of random awesome stuff that I keep in my closet, I found my most favorite pair of jeans ever, from two years ago. I decided to try them on again, and THEY FIT!!!!! πŸ˜€ Lol! Awesomeness. 

 

Also, Bobby is running for president. VOTE. 

That is all. BYE!!!

 

 

 

 

You know, I think this year is the first holiday season that my family hasn’t been at each other’s throats…

 

I remember one year, when I was 10 years old and we lived in Herman, it was Thanksgiving night. About 10:30pm, and nobody had eaten yet that day. My mom had sent my dad out to buy a turkey pan because he refused to help with anything else, and 6 hours later we were STILL waiting for him. He finally came in the door with a flimsy aluminum pan that wouldn’t even hold a small duckling. My mom burst into tears. There was fighting and screaming, and throwing of things. I ran upstairs, crawled under my bed and cried. I decided right then that holidays sucked.

Every year it was the same. We would get up early and start cleaning the house, and my mom would start cooking. We were all too young to actually cook anything, so we had to stay out of the kitchen. My dad would get up at noon and go downstairs and plop down in his recliner and not do anything. Mom would ask for help, he’d say “No way.” heated argument ensues. It always escalated into screaming and tears, while us kids would all hide in the laundry room, wondering if this would be the year that mom and dad would get a divorce. All we really ever had was each other…

As we got older, us kids were more and more of the problem. Half of us became teenagers, went through rebellious streaks, became part of the constant fight. 

 

Finally, the Christmas of 2009. I remember running up the stairs to go to my room, and seeing my mom sitting on the stairs. She had a glazed look in her eyes. I sat down on the landing and asked what was wrong. She was staring out the window. “What if I just went away,” she said. “Went away by myself and left this all behind. I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired.” my mom almost left us that year. I was so afraid that it was my fault. I had been going through a rebellious phase (I was 16…) and thought that she would leave us all on account of me.

 

That following summer my parents got divorced.

Now, last year, the holidays were still kinda rough….but this year was okay. Thanksgiving was good anyway…it was simple, there was no fighting…we just stayed at home, ate food, had a few people over. I don’t know how Christmas will be, but at least it won’t be as bad as it was. 

Anyway…this post has no point. Just that holidays used to suck horribly, and now they don’t. 

Anniversary.

Today is mine and Bobby’s 1 year anniversary.

 

I can’t even begin to describe our relationship to you, because there are literally no words. I can’t even think of any that don’t sound cliche. He’s just….HIM. And I’m me. And for some reason, something in him identified with and liked whatever he saw in me. It’s all so crazy, I don’t even……

We never fight. I think that’s kinda weird…but good. Like, most people I know who are in relationships talk about how they fight a lot. We’ve been together a year and have NEVER fought. I don’t know if that’s unhealthy or what. We discuss things though, so it’s not like we just bury our feelings.

It’s great though. You know that feeling, when you’ve just spent all day with someone awesome, and you come home and you’re exhausted, but at the same time elated? And you just want to keep all the pictures andΒ mementos of that day, because it was literally the best day of your life?Β That’s how I feel every day I’m with him.

It gets hard though. We’re long distance, and it’s really tough. There are those nights, once in a while, where I wake up at 4am in tears, because all I want is to open my eyes and see him there, curled up in a ball under the covers next to me. And I know it’s not gonna happen.

But you know what? It’s all so worth it. Because when I DO get to see him, he is just so amazing that I forget everything else. I just feel complete when he’s around. Like I’m more myself with him than without.

I think I’ve found my soul mate….

*drifts away into the shadows*

β™«β™ͺ I’m going away for a while,

But I’ll be back, don’t try and follow me…β™«β™ͺ

 

I say stupid things when I’m hurt…stupid things that get me in trouble. So I’m just not gonna say anything anymore. I guess this is gonna be my last post on here for a while….

 

I’m listening to Anberlin and staring out my window. It’s misty and dark. I can see orange hue of the city lights reflecting off of the fog and clouds in the distance, and feel the slight cool breeze on my face. And I am alone.

There’s some kind of slight comfort in being alone and listening to sad music. Like the darkness could swallow me whole and it’d be okay. Because here, in my room with the window open, the darkness is my friend. And the orange light pollution hovering above the darkness, as if it’s a source of light in and of itself…that’s my friend too. The loneliness I feel here is different….it’s like the loneliness you feel when staring out over a gray sea on a stormy day, watching the snow fall at night, or hearing the sad soft strains of a cello. 

It’s a peaceful loneliness.

 

And I just drift away. 

 

 

 

Everyone wants to feel safe in the dark…

I’m lying on my bed at night, staring at the ceiling.

Thinking.

I’m not really sure what’s keeping me awake…

Loneliness or fear?

Or confusion?

Intertwining confusion…and doubt…

I want you to hold me,

Just one more time.

And I can feel this darkness

Creeping around me,

Like so many shadows in the woodwork…

Twisting…

Turning…

Ready to grab me and pull me under. 

But I don’t think you understand.

What am I to you?

Am I just your girlfriend? A warm body?

Or something more?

A dream maybe?

Yes, this is a dream.

How else could I explain my hot tears,

Turning into an ocean..

As the vibrations of my phone roar in my ears.

My phone is ringing?

I may be slipping into psychosis..

Pick me up please.

I needed you.

LAWL fail.

So yeah. Today I was wondering why no one that I watch has posted on here in almost a month, when it occurred to me….almost a month ago, I was reading up on someone’s blog (this creepy ex of my friend’s), and didn’t want them to see me or find me, so I disabled my footprints. Well, most of the people I watch have footprints lock on their sites, which is why I hadn’t seen anything they were writing. So yeah, if anyone gets a sudden explosion of footprints today, it’s cause I’m trying to catch up on what I missed. Lol.

 

In other news, I made this video yesterday.——–>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8M6foSBzEw&feature=channel_video_title go watch if you want to. πŸ™‚

 

So, winter formal was a few days ago. I wore this. 

Lol. It was fun. But I would’ve preferred a shorter dress, like this one:

Cause the skirt on the long one kept getting in the way. πŸ˜› Oh well. It was still fun, and I wore a tie! πŸ˜€ Yes. I am just awesome like that. 

 

So anyway. I talked to my older brother Nik (who is in the infantry) yesterday, for the first time in….well….almost a year. We haven’t exactly been on the best terms. He was abusive when he lived with us, and he’s always disliked me. Idk why. But anyway, we talked on the phone for a little while. Mostly joking around about South Park and Family Guy. Then he quizzed me all about Bobby, which….well……..it got on my nerves a little. Like, I understand him trying to change and be the older brother to me that he never was, but seriously? He’s never been there for me before, and NOW he chooses to just try to suddenly get back in on my life? Kinda irritating. But I’m trying to give him another chance. : It’s also irritating that he’s lecturing me about MY relationship, when his relationships always fail miserably. But whatever. 

 

So this song is awesome. ——>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVeT79i7vMg 

I’ve pretty much been addicted to it for like 2 weeks. Me and Nathan are learning it on our guitars. I must admit, we make a pretty good team. I do the rhythm guitar and he does the picking. πŸ™‚ He’s really good at that. He needs to get his OWN guitar though, cause he keeps stealing mine!

 

So Bobby is going to try to move out here sometime this next year. I really hope he gets to. I kinda feel like we’re missing out on a lot of normal couple things that happen in normal relationships because we never get to be together. πŸ˜› It kinda sucks. I miss him all the time. Also, our one year anniversary is coming up, December 15th. πŸ™‚ 

 

Anyway…..I’m bored. I wish to go hang out with people. I need my own vehicle so that I may do so. 

Well I’m gonna go. BYE!!