So I think I’m gonna use this blog as a sort of online journal, because I tend to process things externally, so writing down my thoughts helps me to think things through. That and I wanted a private blog because sometimes I just need to talk about things without everyone in the world plus their mother hearing about it, and nobody knows about this blog except for Laura and Cara, and I trust them. 🙂 So yeah.
Anyhow. This morning, Bobby and I had this whole big Breakfast/Pajama/Batmanathon party with Noah, Diana, and Haanzs. It was pretty awesome, I stuffed myself with bacon and Haanzs is hilarious, he’s probably like my second favorite friend here in Colorado. We were talking about Son of Batman, and he was like, “It starts out with Talia knocking on Batman’s door like, ‘BITCH, YOU’D BETTER GIVE ME MAH CHILD SUPPORT MONEY, DAMIAN-LAQUANDA NEEDS HIS DIAPERS!!!'” Oh mah gosh, it was freaking hilarious! I was pretty much on the floor laughing! XD
So yeah, Haanzs is awesome.
Anyway, I also got new shoes today.
Red converse, in honor of the fact that I’m being myself again. 🙂 I’m still breaking them in, so they feel a little weird on my feet right now. but I think they’ll be just fine. I’m so excited!! It sounds totally weird, but I feel like this is just a signal to me that I’m reverting back into the awesome person I once was, the person I used to know. I don’t know who I’ve become over the past year or so, but it isn’t someone that I like very much. I’m so excited to get back to Omaha. I feel like, at last, I will be happy again. I will have friends who are like me and who like me for who I am, and don’t try to force me to be like them.
I know I keep rambling about that kind of thing, but I just haven’t felt this free in SUCH a long time. I really want to go to a concert now, or just sit around with friends and listen to music and laugh and stuff. It’s been so long since I had that kind of friendship.
So anyway, last night Bobby and I went out to this get Wendy’s in Falcon, and then we drove out to Peyton and went to a lake in the middle of nowhere there. It was nice, I like the water. Although for some reason, I’m distrustful of the water at night. Something about the dark plus the already murky water just makes me feel like there are too many hazard factors involved for it to be safe. Lol. But it was a nice night, we were out there until about 11pm and then we drove back and stopped at the Walmart in Falcon, and got some groceries and fun pajamas for our party (and also I got a shirt with Darth Vader kayaking on it).
So all in all, it was a nice night. 🙂
We’ve been having a lot of nights like that lately. Bobby once called it a “nostalgic night” on his DA journal, but it’s the kind of night that is just fun and you’re happy, and you do silly things just because you can and you enjoy it. I’m pretty happy with it, we weren’t really doing much of anything together for a while there, so it’s a really nice change. It almost feels like back when we first started dating. I think we’ll have a lot more fun like this when we’re in Omaha though. Gah, I can’t wait!
You know, I think I’m just tired of MISSING things. I’m tired of thinking about how nice things used to be, and sitting around here feeling trapped, like I can never get back that happiness. I say the word “miss” so many times every day, it sickens me. I don’t want to miss things, I don’t want to pine over happy days, I just want to live and be happy and never have to look back.
Anyway, sorry this post was so long-winded. Byyyyeee!
I feel like I just pressed the rewind button on life, and I couldn’t be happier.
It all started when I (finally!) kicked the Lewis’s out of my life. They have done nothing but use and abuse me for the past 5 years, and I just had enough. So, for the first time in years, I stuck to my boundaries and refused to let them walk all over me and my husband. I’m pretty sure I’ve successfully infuriated them, but you know what? I don’t give a flying crap. Let them think what they want, let them gossip and make up lies about me in a passive-aggressive attempt to get back at me. I just don’t care anymore.
And as soon as I had finished clearing them out of my life, I felt this inexplicable joy. I haven’t felt that way in YEARS. It was like the cloud of hatefulness and oppression that has been over me for so long has just vanished! I felt like Gollum in the Two Towers, when he’s jumping around going, “Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is freeee!” XD
Okay, sorry about the nerdy reference…
Anyway, I did that almost a month ago. And in the past few weeks, I’ve felt the most amazing change in my heart and my life in general. I finally feel like ME again. I don’t feel like I’m pretending to be some hipster snob or some obnoxious fashion and health-obsessed girl. I’m finally just me again. I can wear all of my dumb hats, and my bright red chucks and ratty jeans, and my band shirts. I can just not care what I look like, I can be funny and laugh and spend time with my filthy punk friends. I can take pictures and draw, but not obsess about whether or not they’re good enough for hyper-critical people, and just do it for my own amusement. I can blast my rock music really loud and sing along without a care in the world. I can make stupid faces. I can stop being so critical and be friends with whoever I darn well please!
Of course, now I want a do-over on my wedding and a couple of other events that would have been soooo much better and more fun without them…but oh well. Better late then never, I suppose. 😛
I think the only bad part about this is looking back at all the time I’ve wasted, all of the friendships that got ruined (or almost ruined) because of their influence. I’m so filled with regret for the way that I’ve treated people over these last few years, and I’m sorry. Alex, Emory, Sam, Dan, Cara, Jonah…all friends whose hearts I pretty much stomped on and squished because of the influence of the Lewis family. I even had my camp experience ruined at Maranatha because of the influence of Savannah. Well, I’m sorry, and I promise right here and now that I will NEVER treat any good friend that way again. Ever.
I just hope it’s not too late to set things right. I already made amends with most of those people. Emory was really the only one that I couldn’t contact, because he blocked me (thanks to Savannah). 😦
Oh well. Even though I still have those regrets, I guess they’re just a reminder to never get mixed up with those kinds of people again.
Anyway! I’m gonna go eat dinner.