I feel like I just pressed the rewind button on life, and I couldn’t be happier.
It all started when I (finally!) kicked the Lewis’s out of my life. They have done nothing but use and abuse me for the past 5 years, and I just had enough. So, for the first time in years, I stuck to my boundaries and refused to let them walk all over me and my husband. I’m pretty sure I’ve successfully infuriated them, but you know what? I don’t give a flying crap. Let them think what they want, let them gossip and make up lies about me in a passive-aggressive attempt to get back at me. I just don’t care anymore.
And as soon as I had finished clearing them out of my life, I felt this inexplicable joy. I haven’t felt that way in YEARS. It was like the cloud of hatefulness and oppression that has been over me for so long has just vanished! I felt like Gollum in the Two Towers, when he’s jumping around going, “Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is freeee!” XD
Okay, sorry about the nerdy reference…
Anyway, I did that almost a month ago. And in the past few weeks, I’ve felt the most amazing change in my heart and my life in general. I finally feel like ME again. I don’t feel like I’m pretending to be some hipster snob or some obnoxious fashion and health-obsessed girl. I’m finally just me again. I can wear all of my dumb hats, and my bright red chucks and ratty jeans, and my band shirts. I can just not care what I look like, I can be funny and laugh and spend time with my filthy punk friends. I can take pictures and draw, but not obsess about whether or not they’re good enough for hyper-critical people, and just do it for my own amusement. I can blast my rock music really loud and sing along without a care in the world. I can make stupid faces. I can stop being so critical and be friends with whoever I darn well please!
Of course, now I want a do-over on my wedding and a couple of other events that would have been soooo much better and more fun without them…but oh well. Better late then never, I suppose. 😛
I think the only bad part about this is looking back at all the time I’ve wasted, all of the friendships that got ruined (or almost ruined) because of their influence. I’m so filled with regret for the way that I’ve treated people over these last few years, and I’m sorry. Alex, Emory, Sam, Dan, Cara, Jonah…all friends whose hearts I pretty much stomped on and squished because of the influence of the Lewis family. I even had my camp experience ruined at Maranatha because of the influence of Savannah. Well, I’m sorry, and I promise right here and now that I will NEVER treat any good friend that way again. Ever.
I just hope it’s not too late to set things right. I already made amends with most of those people. Emory was really the only one that I couldn’t contact, because he blocked me (thanks to Savannah). 😦
Oh well. Even though I still have those regrets, I guess they’re just a reminder to never get mixed up with those kinds of people again.
Anyway! I’m gonna go eat dinner.