Well it’s been a while.

I keep promising to blog more often, but then I don’t. I’m super lame. The good news though is that I got all my Xanga archives back and imported them onto here, so at least now I feel like I have my old stuff back again. 🙂 It’s a good feeling.

 

So anyway, work has been crazy and stupid lately. The “efficiency experts” came and ransacked my workspace, and rearranged everything. It’ll probably be better once I get used to it, but it’s still stupid. I barely got anything done this week because of them. 😛 On top of that, my boss has upped my production expectations to the point where I KNOW I’m not going to make it. I’m basically required to make around $1,000 a day in shoe sales. To put that in perspective, I work at a Goodwill. Most of my shoes are around $5 or $6 a pair. I don’t know how they expect me to realistically make that much money, it’s ridiculous. But you know what? I don’t really care anymore. I’m leaving in a little over 2 months, so screw them. I’ll do my best, but I’m not gonna drive myself crazy over this stuff anymore. I’m just killing myself with stress and anger when I do that.

 

On that note, I’ve been pretty dang happy lately. Ever since I cut some incredibly toxic people out of my life (*cough*Lewis family*cough*), it seems like I’ve just been happier and happier. We found a good friends group here. I’m trying not to get too emotionally attached or anything, because we’re still moving (obviously), but it’s nice to at least have someone to hang out with a couple times a week. There’s one other couple, Noah and Diana, a guy named Austin and his younger brother, Cameron (he’s the youngest one in the group, he’s only 15), Wes, Nic (if Sharon is reading this, that’s Nic Valesey!) and sometimes Haanzs comes. We have a movie night on Tuesdays, half of us go to the same church on Sundays, and then we go to the same small group on Wednesdays as Noah and Diana do. All in all, I feel a lot happier with this friends group than I ever did with the other one (a.k.a. the Harris clan and their followers). I think it’s because this group doesn’t have any expectations of me or anything. The Harris friends always seemed to turn everything into a competition or an opportunity to show off or something. I want friends that I can hang out with, not people that I have to feel obligated to entertain or measure up to. So it’s been good.

 

The only thing I’m missing with this friends group is a serious connection. I mean, I like them as friends, and I’ll miss them when I leave, but I’m excited to get back to Omaha and be around friends that I can hang out with and ALSO talk about deep issues with. I want people who I can be attached to. But this is satisfactory for now.

 

I’ve also realized that, since I’ve actually had my time with friends lately, and I’m an extrovert, I actually feel a lot healthier, less depressed, and more motivated to do stuff. Like, I’ve actually felt like drawing stuff lately, and not in an I’m-obligated-to-draw-something-or-I’ll-disappoint-everyone-and-waste-my-talent way either. I’ve actually been inspired! I know that doesn’t sound like much, but if you knew how long this dry spell has been….well, it means a lot to me. It’s exciting. 🙂

 

I’m still trying to remember the other thing I wanted to talk about…

 

OH! Music! I’ve been wanting to listen to music a lot more lately! That’s great for me. I mean, for a good year or so there, I was so stressed all the time that I just completely ignored all of my creative outlets. Now I’m actually getting back into them and it feels really good. I want to get another guitar, my buttfaced brother, Nathan, bought mine because I really needed the money, he payed a ridiculously low price because he knew I couldn’t say no, and then wouldn’t seel it back to me. I love him, but man….what a buttface! D:

 

Oh, also….I’m turning 21 in a little over 2 weeks. 🙂 I’m not planning on really drinking or anything (it’s not that I’m against drinking in general, it’s just that I don’t really care for the taste of alcohol), but it falls on a Tuesday, which means that movie night will also be my birthday party! Our friend Austin, who I mentioned earlier, also brews alcohol as a hobby and I told him about my tastes, he said he’s trying to come up with something to make me for my birthday that I’ll actually like. So that’s pretty cool. 😀 The Saturday after my birthday, Bobby and I are going up in the mountains to Lake Dillon, and we’re gonna spend the day kayaking, canoeing, and swimming. We’re gonna pack some stuff to grill and have a grill out for lunch there. I’m pretty excited about it.

 

Anyway, to sum that up, work is tolerable, friends are awesome, I’m inspired again, and my birthday is coming. Sorry about the rambling, I just haven’t written in a while. I’m sure once I start writing more often, these posts will be less rambly and weird, and hopefully more interesting.

 

Anyway, BYE!

 

Breakfast/Pajama/Batmanathon party, among other things.

So I think I’m gonna use this blog as a sort of online journal, because I tend to process things externally, so writing down my thoughts helps me to think things through. That and I wanted a private blog because sometimes I just need to talk about things without everyone in the world plus their mother hearing about it, and nobody knows about this blog except for Laura and Cara, and I trust them. 🙂 So yeah.

Anyhow. This morning, Bobby and I had this whole big Breakfast/Pajama/Batmanathon party with Noah, Diana, and Haanzs. It was pretty awesome, I stuffed myself with bacon and Haanzs is hilarious, he’s probably like my second favorite friend here in Colorado. We were talking about Son of Batman, and he was like, “It starts out with Talia knocking on Batman’s door like, ‘BITCH, YOU’D BETTER GIVE ME MAH CHILD SUPPORT MONEY, DAMIAN-LAQUANDA NEEDS HIS DIAPERS!!!'” Oh mah gosh, it was freaking hilarious! I was pretty much on the floor laughing! XD

So yeah, Haanzs is awesome.

Anyway, I also got new shoes today.

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Red converse, in honor of the fact that I’m being myself again. 🙂 I’m still breaking them in, so they feel a little weird on my feet right now. but I think they’ll be just fine. I’m so excited!! It sounds totally weird, but I feel like this is just a signal to me that I’m reverting back into the awesome person I once was, the person I used to know. I don’t know who I’ve become over the past year or so, but it isn’t someone that I like very much. I’m so excited to get back to Omaha. I feel like, at last, I will be happy again. I will have friends who are like me and who like me for who I am, and don’t try to force me to be like them.

I know I keep rambling about that kind of thing, but I just haven’t felt this free in SUCH a long time. I really want to go to a concert now, or just sit around with friends and listen to music and laugh and stuff. It’s been so long since I had that kind of friendship.

So anyway, last night Bobby and I went out to this get Wendy’s in Falcon, and then we drove out to Peyton and went to a lake in the middle of nowhere there. It was nice, I like the water. Although for some reason, I’m distrustful of the water at night. Something about the dark plus the already murky water just makes me feel like there are too many hazard factors involved for it to be safe. Lol. But it was a nice night, we were out there until about 11pm and then we drove back and stopped at the Walmart in Falcon, and got some groceries and fun pajamas for our party (and also I got a shirt with Darth Vader kayaking on it).

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So all in all, it was a nice night. 🙂

We’ve been having a lot of nights like that lately. Bobby once called it a “nostalgic night” on his DA journal, but it’s the kind of night that is just fun and you’re happy, and you do silly things just because you can and you enjoy it. I’m pretty happy with it, we weren’t really doing much of anything together for a while there, so it’s a really nice change. It almost feels like back when we first started dating. I think we’ll have a lot more fun like this when we’re in Omaha though. Gah, I can’t wait!

You know, I think I’m just tired of MISSING things. I’m tired of thinking about how nice things used to be, and sitting around here feeling trapped, like I can never get back that happiness. I say the word “miss” so many times every day, it sickens me. I don’t want to miss things, I don’t want to pine over happy days, I just want to live and be happy and never have to look back.

Anyway, sorry this post was so long-winded. Byyyyeee!

❤ Kat

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Re-Becoming Myself

I feel like I just pressed the rewind button on life, and I couldn’t be happier.

It all started when I (finally!) kicked the Lewis’s out of my life. They have done nothing but use and abuse me for the past 5 years, and I just had enough. So, for the first time in years, I stuck to my boundaries and refused to let them walk all over me and my husband. I’m pretty sure I’ve successfully infuriated them, but you know what? I don’t give a flying crap. Let them think what they want, let them gossip and make up lies about me in a passive-aggressive attempt to get back at me. I just don’t care anymore.

And as soon as I had finished clearing them out of my life, I felt this inexplicable joy. I haven’t felt that way in YEARS. It was like the cloud of hatefulness and oppression that has been over me for so long has just vanished! I felt like Gollum in the Two Towers, when he’s jumping around going, “Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol is freeee!” XD

Okay, sorry about the nerdy reference…

Anyway, I did that almost a month ago. And in the past few weeks, I’ve felt the most amazing change in my heart and my life in general. I finally feel like ME again. I don’t feel like I’m pretending to be some hipster snob or some obnoxious fashion and health-obsessed girl. I’m finally just me again. I can wear all of my dumb hats, and my bright red chucks and ratty jeans, and my band shirts. I can just not care what I look like, I can be funny and laugh and spend time with my filthy punk friends. I can take pictures and draw, but not obsess about whether or not they’re good enough for hyper-critical people, and just do it for my own amusement. I can blast my rock music really loud and sing along without a care in the world. I can make stupid faces. I can stop being so critical and be friends with whoever I darn well please!

Of course, now I want a do-over on my wedding and a couple of other events that would have been soooo much better and more fun without them…but oh well. Better late then never, I suppose. 😛

I think the only bad part about this is looking back at all the time I’ve wasted, all of the friendships that got ruined (or almost ruined) because of their influence. I’m so filled with regret for the way that I’ve treated people over these last few years, and I’m sorry. Alex, Emory, Sam, Dan, Cara, Jonah…all friends whose hearts I pretty much stomped on and squished because of the influence of the Lewis family. I even had my camp experience ruined at Maranatha because of the influence of Savannah. Well, I’m sorry, and I promise right here and now that I will NEVER treat any good friend that way again. Ever.

I just hope it’s not too late to set things right. I already made amends with most of those people. Emory was really the only one that I couldn’t contact, because he blocked me (thanks to Savannah). 😦

Oh well. Even though I still have those regrets, I guess they’re just a reminder to never get mixed up with those kinds of people again.

Anyway! I’m gonna go eat dinner.

Bye world!

❤ Kat

So I guess it’s my turn.

Everybody else wrote a blog today, so I guess it’s my turn. 

Well, work was pretty off and on today. People keep treating me like I’m a supervisor and have the powers of such, just because I know all the rules and prices, etc. I wouldn’t mind it if I WAS a supervisor, but I’m not, so it can be irritating. Like today, when we were super busy, and I was trying to take care of huge line of people, but nobody would leave me alone for 5 seconds to help my own customers. I was basically running back and forth from each checkstand, taking care of a customer, fixing Reyna’s checkstand’s technical issues, getting someone help in the jewelry department, showing Rayanna how to properly do checks when they’re partially payed with cash, giving a customer a better price for damaged goods, etc. Just all over the place. Sometimes I wish they would just let me be a supervisor so I could actually do half of the things customers want me to do. I DON’T HAZ THE POWAH!!!
In other news, I’ve been working my butt off on art projects lately. Right now, I have….lessee….6 projects I have to do, and one on hold until later. I’m getting paid for all of them, which is pretty awesome. But it can get overwhelming when everyone wants some kind of creative thing from me at once, and I have to get it done for all of them. It doesn’t leave a lot of creative juice left for just my leisure time. 
I have so much to do when I get paid. I gotta pay my last hospital bill ($80), I told Michael I will donate $200 to him because he’s in China and trying to get a work visa, we have car work to do, I gotta get a checkbook for when Bobby and I go get an apartment, gotta make sure to put some money in savings just in case, I gotta mail my siblings’ birthday presents out….I’m sure there’s something I’m forgetting. But yeah, there’s a lot to do. My mind has been racing like crazy trying to make sure I take care of all my responsibilities. 
So I miss Omaha people. I don’t really miss Omaha….just some of my friends there. I have this thing on my zune, Smart DJ. When you listen to a song and put on Smart DJ, it will pick other music based on what else you have a history of listening to when listening to that song and genres and etc. Anyway, I put that on last night, and it picked a ton of music that I had completely forgotten about….music that reminded me of my friends and some really awesome times that we had over the past 5 years. It made me happy at the same time as being really depressed. I hate reminiscing. It makes me happy for, like, 2 seconds….until I remember that I will never hang out with those same people and do those same things again. It always just makes me lose hope. I want to MAKE memories, not just go back, hashing over the same old (great) ones over and over. 
Anyway. I guess that’s all I have to say for now. 

Dude. I really wanna bake something. 

In other news, I wish it would rain here. It never does. All it ever does is snow. In the spring. Ugh. Nebraska gets ALL the thunderstorms. 
Also, I got Nathan and Karolinn some pretty boss presents for their birthdays. I’m planning on mailing them out tomorrow after work.
Anyway. Carry on.

This One’s For Sharon

So. 

I’m working full time at Goodwill. This is the first full time job I’ve had, besides camp. Although I don’t really think camp counts. But yeah. Stephen Harris is jealous of my job, he refers to it as his “ghetto dream job.” 
Work is fun and fast paced, but sometimes I hate very customer and want to rip their heads off and drink their blood from them like bowls because of how messy and pig-like they are. They just pull everything off of the racks and dump it on the floor. It’s like their parents never taught them how to clean up after themselves.
 My coworkers are pretty cool though. My assistant manager, Glenna, is basically future-me in my 40’s. She’s one of 9 kids as well and her dad was also crazy. But more drunk-crazy than pervert-crazy. Apparently he died on the front lawn of a soup kitchen. So yeah. She’s my favorite, and when I was sick she gave me food and kleenex. 🙂 
My store manager is the coolest ever though. Last week, we had a blizzard and everyone still showed up, so he bought pizza for all of us out of his own money. 
There is this really annoying gumball machine that is in the front of the store by the checkstands, it plays this really annoying song, and I could have sworn that I just heard the song, but I’m home right now. 
IT’S FOLLOWING ME. 
So I feel like I need more friends. I feel so lonely a lot of the time. It’s weird because at the same time, I feel overwhelmed by everyone because I have to be around people so much at work. So I feel lonely at the same time as not wanting to see anyone. How bi-polar of me. 
The thing is that I have friends here, but I don’t have anyone who is really close to me. I used to have Cara, but something happened with that. I don’t know, we just got so different and grew apart so much. Last month, she was just constantly flipping out at me all the time for no reason (on top of work stuff, that was a very stressful time for me) and we talked it out, but now we’re just not really close anymore. Savannah is here, and we hang out sometimes, but not really very often. Then I have the Harris family, but again, we don’t hang out very often. I suppose it’s mostly my fault, since I’ve been working so much and then just going home and wanting to be away from everyone. 
I guess part of it is that, since Bobby and I have been engaged, a lot of our friends seem to resent the fact that we act like a couple. Heck, we don’t even do PDA at ALL anymore, and people still resent us. Like the fact that we’re in the same room together means we’re “attached at the hip” and it’s oh-so-annoying. It’s very frustrating, because we’re engaged and we’re not even allowed to act like we are. I wish we had more couple friends. 
I wish that I had someone I could call a best friend. :/
Anyway, end emo rant. 
 

Worst. Weekend. EVER.

So, to start off this lovely 3 day weekend, on Friday morning Bobby and I found out that the check that he had THOUGHT was from his boss was a scam, and we owe the bank $1,430. We called the bank and explained the situation, but there is nothing they can really do about it, so we have to pay the whole thing off ourselves. By my calculations, if everything goes correctly, we should be able to pay it off by the end of the month. 

Then, I was supposed to go to Omaha on Saturday morning. Just a straight, 1 hour flight to Omaha. But Southwest cancelled all their flights on Saturday because of the storm in Denver. So I had to rebook the flight for Sunday morning (today). So Bobby and I got up at 4am so we could make it all the way to Denver airport by 7am. I got through security and everything okay, and the first part of my flight was on time. Denver to St. Louis. Then I was SUPPOSED to take a plane from St. Louis to Omaha. That ended up being delayed for an hour. Then when we finally got on and were almost there and everything, a storm moved in over Omaha. We tried to land twice and couldn’t, so we went to Kansas City instead. Then, instead of just delaying it, they flat out cancelled the flight, so now I am stranded in Kansas City until 8:30pm tomorrow, which is the earliest flight they have available to Omaha. I did find a hotel room (no thanks to the airport) so I’m here all alone in a strange city for the next 24 hours. 
Just great.
Also, this means I will only get about 4 days with my family, instead of 7. 
Worst weekend ever. 😛 

We threw coins at the guards.

You painted bleeding hearts and we ran through a summer storm.

You were afraid to die,

So I held you

And prayed to a God you didn’t believe in to keep you safe.

 

And I didn’t know how to save you.

 

You gave me a purple hippopotamus, so I’d never forget.

We wore monster’s heads and collected newspapers.

I drew on your arms and you drew on your legs.

We made rainbow cake

And lay on the kitchen floor,

Where you told me your dark secret.

 

And I didn’t know how to save you.

 

We spent the spring under a bridge,

Reading the words of ghosts long gone.

Walking home in the dark that night,

I felt more alive than ever before.

 

But I still didn’t know how to save you.

 

So I tried to run,

And ended up dying.

I couldn’t save myself,

We were both lost.

I moved away, but the ghosts came with me.

 

So let’s start over.

 

Hi, my name is Kat. Please be my Laura.